Ok, this post is going to probably come of mean. It's not meant to be. Really. But, it's too insane not to talk about.....
So there is this retarded Chinese guy that works at the Walgreens near me. Ok, I know that's not the proper term...he's Asian....oh, I mean Downs Syndrome. But, that's too much to type so let's all let our political correctness slide for this one. Anyway, I think it's awesome that the guy has a job and stuff. But, he likes to sneak up on people. Seriously. It's happened to me. It's happened to other people. I don't think he does it on purpose, it just works out that way. Case in point:
On a recent trip, I parked in the parking lot and worked myself up to go inside. You never know if he's working or not, so it's always a gamble you have to be prepared for. I walk inside the doors and scan the joint. Nothing but the old guy that smells like he bathes in an ashtray at the register. I decide to do a run through on a few aisles to be sure that he's not there. Ok, all clear. I head on over and grab my first item, still looking over my shoulder. Then, ABBA comes on the speakers and I start to relax. I'm on the tampon aisle....Dancing Queen...da da dah....only 17...... Still all clear. Next up, kids allergy meds. I am now totally calm and happily enjoying the musak and my time alone. As I bend over to figure out which form of drug the boys need, I hear, "WE WIVE IN FWISCO TEXAS!!!!!" being shouted at the back of my head! SHIT!!!! I jump, scream and tampons and lip balm go flying. Damn it!!!! He's HERE!!!! I pick up my crap and very politely say, "Yes, yes we do. How are you today?" He just smiles and yells, "WE WIVE IN FWISCO TEXAS!!!!". I agree and walk as fast as I can to the front of the store. Dear. God. Why????? I feel bad for the guy, but at the same time, I really want to hide behind the crappy Christmas decorations and jump out at him and yell, "YOU WORK AT WALGREENS!!!". It plays out pretty funny in my mind. I'd never actually do it, but it's fun to plan.
So, I get to the register, still shaking from having the crap scared out of me, pay for my items and head to the door. As I walk out, I hear, "GO COWBOYS!" followed by the sound of something dropping to the floor from the back of the store. Ah, he apparently switches it up. He may be a lot smarter than I think. Touche young man. Touche.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Forget the wine, I'll take some oxycontin please!
Some days are bad and others.....well others just make you want to run head first into a brick wall. I should have known today would be a test when I started my day by stepping into a fresh pile of cat puke (luckily I had shoes on...unluckily I couldn't feel the barf) and walked all over the kitchen before turning around and seeing what looked like dancing lesson stencils made of feline vomit all over the floor. Great. Went for a run....see my facebook post for that debacle. The mid morning and early afternoon were actually quite nice. Did some work. Did some shopping. Did some jamming out in Wheezie to Taylor Dayne (yes. Taylor. Freaking. Dayne. ). Then I had to pick up the boys from school early for flu shots. All down hill from there.
Got to Hud's class only to hear that the little turd was having ANOTHER RED DAY!!! Today, he chose to stand in the doorway of his class room and trip all the kids exiting and laugh at them as they tumbled towards the ground. Ok. That's funny. But only in the comedic schtick kind of way. I wondered how many kids did he trip before one of them realized what was going on and didn't walk past him. Or why one of them didn't just kick him in the crotch.
Fast forward to the Dr.'s office. I made a deal with the boys. I would break my "No Christmas before Thanksgiving" rule if they didn't give me any crap and they could go see Santa after their shots. Agreed. Good. Until we are called back. Hud immediately starts crying and screaming, "I don't want to go!" Henry is nervous and now can no longer control the volume of his voice, so he's yelling, "This won't hurt, right?"! They put us in a room and shut the door and I'm trapped with one kid in full on freak out mode and one panicking and trying so hard to NOT YELL! The nurse comes in and we decide I'll go first. Ok, I'm sorry, but those stupid little shots hurt! But, I have to not say a certain 4 letter word to prove that it isn't a big deal. Henry is watching with eyes the size of plates and Hud is still in the corner begging to leave. So, Henry is up next. Oh. Dear. Jesus. He tries to bolt! So, I take off after him and drag all 70lbs of him back and try to hoist him on the table. It was like some weird rodeo. As soon as I got him up, he slips off that stupid paper protector thing, so I have to wrangle him again. Now my shirt is untucked, my hair is falling out of my clip and I'm sweating. The nurse calls for back up, so there are now 3 of us holding him down. Henry is screaming, "Pause! Pause!". WTF???? Pause???? Ok, you play too many video games kid, but I'll deal with that later. The nurse finally gets the shot in his leg and he looks up and freaking smiles! I had to try really hard not to say, "Yeah, see you a-hole! I look like a Tijuana whore after a frat party for that!"! But, figured the Pediatrician's office frowns on that kind of stuff.
Now on to the little one. Ok, same rodeo, but he's half the weight so it was much easier. And given his behavior, I really thought about having them give him a tetnus shot too, just for good measure. Apparently, during all the banging, wrangling and screaming, several of the Dr's in the office peeked out of rooms to ask what was going on. Awesome. Couldn't be more proud. The kids are still crying on our way out. The nurses are giggling. Part of me agreed with them and part of me wanted to kick them b/c.....well I was pissed and can't kick my kids.... We get on the elevator and Hud is telling the poor lady on board with us all about it. Only he's still hysterical, so that and the Elmer Fudd accent and she just smiles.
By now, I realize I have been defeated and then had the realization that I might be out of wine at home! Gasp! Feeling lucky, I decided to go to the grocery store. BAD, bad idea. This is what happens to me at the slot machines. Same feeling....I'm already down, how bad can it get. We run in and grab all of 6 things and some wine. We get to the front and of course, 3 registers open with 5 people with full buggies in each one! OMG! I hate this store! All the checkers are over 60 and like to discuss each item with you. Tampons? Oh, are you cramping? Napkins? Messy dinner? Ahhh! Shut up! Just scan my crap and get me out of here!!! We finally are next in line. The boys are thirsty. I let them pick a drink from the cooler by the register. Well, Hud just sits on the floor with the door open. "Hud, get up." Nothing. "Hud, pick a drink and get up." Nothing. "Hud, last chance." He lays down. So, I run over him with the cart. Ok, only in my mind. I pick him up and tell him no drink. He freaks out. Like a full on tantrum. Henry sees the steam coming out of my ears and starts trying to give me a back massage. As all of this is going on, the damn checker asks, "So, will you be entertaining this Thanksgiving?" "Nope. I"m going to go home, pack my bags and drive myself to the looney bin. So, for this year, I'll be in a nice robe, at a card table, making animals out of Q-tips."
Parenting really is a hard job. If you had to date your kids, it wouldn't last past 3 months. But, day in and day out we have to try our hardest to help them be good people. Even when we don't really always know how to do it ourselves. I don't expect my kids to be perfect. But, I hope that I can teach them how to laugh at themselves when they aren't. If not, I'll just have fun laughing at them.
Got to Hud's class only to hear that the little turd was having ANOTHER RED DAY!!! Today, he chose to stand in the doorway of his class room and trip all the kids exiting and laugh at them as they tumbled towards the ground. Ok. That's funny. But only in the comedic schtick kind of way. I wondered how many kids did he trip before one of them realized what was going on and didn't walk past him. Or why one of them didn't just kick him in the crotch.
Fast forward to the Dr.'s office. I made a deal with the boys. I would break my "No Christmas before Thanksgiving" rule if they didn't give me any crap and they could go see Santa after their shots. Agreed. Good. Until we are called back. Hud immediately starts crying and screaming, "I don't want to go!" Henry is nervous and now can no longer control the volume of his voice, so he's yelling, "This won't hurt, right?"! They put us in a room and shut the door and I'm trapped with one kid in full on freak out mode and one panicking and trying so hard to NOT YELL! The nurse comes in and we decide I'll go first. Ok, I'm sorry, but those stupid little shots hurt! But, I have to not say a certain 4 letter word to prove that it isn't a big deal. Henry is watching with eyes the size of plates and Hud is still in the corner begging to leave. So, Henry is up next. Oh. Dear. Jesus. He tries to bolt! So, I take off after him and drag all 70lbs of him back and try to hoist him on the table. It was like some weird rodeo. As soon as I got him up, he slips off that stupid paper protector thing, so I have to wrangle him again. Now my shirt is untucked, my hair is falling out of my clip and I'm sweating. The nurse calls for back up, so there are now 3 of us holding him down. Henry is screaming, "Pause! Pause!". WTF???? Pause???? Ok, you play too many video games kid, but I'll deal with that later. The nurse finally gets the shot in his leg and he looks up and freaking smiles! I had to try really hard not to say, "Yeah, see you a-hole! I look like a Tijuana whore after a frat party for that!"! But, figured the Pediatrician's office frowns on that kind of stuff.
Now on to the little one. Ok, same rodeo, but he's half the weight so it was much easier. And given his behavior, I really thought about having them give him a tetnus shot too, just for good measure. Apparently, during all the banging, wrangling and screaming, several of the Dr's in the office peeked out of rooms to ask what was going on. Awesome. Couldn't be more proud. The kids are still crying on our way out. The nurses are giggling. Part of me agreed with them and part of me wanted to kick them b/c.....well I was pissed and can't kick my kids.... We get on the elevator and Hud is telling the poor lady on board with us all about it. Only he's still hysterical, so that and the Elmer Fudd accent and she just smiles.
By now, I realize I have been defeated and then had the realization that I might be out of wine at home! Gasp! Feeling lucky, I decided to go to the grocery store. BAD, bad idea. This is what happens to me at the slot machines. Same feeling....I'm already down, how bad can it get. We run in and grab all of 6 things and some wine. We get to the front and of course, 3 registers open with 5 people with full buggies in each one! OMG! I hate this store! All the checkers are over 60 and like to discuss each item with you. Tampons? Oh, are you cramping? Napkins? Messy dinner? Ahhh! Shut up! Just scan my crap and get me out of here!!! We finally are next in line. The boys are thirsty. I let them pick a drink from the cooler by the register. Well, Hud just sits on the floor with the door open. "Hud, get up." Nothing. "Hud, pick a drink and get up." Nothing. "Hud, last chance." He lays down. So, I run over him with the cart. Ok, only in my mind. I pick him up and tell him no drink. He freaks out. Like a full on tantrum. Henry sees the steam coming out of my ears and starts trying to give me a back massage. As all of this is going on, the damn checker asks, "So, will you be entertaining this Thanksgiving?" "Nope. I"m going to go home, pack my bags and drive myself to the looney bin. So, for this year, I'll be in a nice robe, at a card table, making animals out of Q-tips."
Parenting really is a hard job. If you had to date your kids, it wouldn't last past 3 months. But, day in and day out we have to try our hardest to help them be good people. Even when we don't really always know how to do it ourselves. I don't expect my kids to be perfect. But, I hope that I can teach them how to laugh at themselves when they aren't. If not, I'll just have fun laughing at them.
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