Everyone knows how much a love Halloween! It's by far the best holiday of them all. Something about scaring the crap out of kids makes me so happy! I love everything about it.....well, almost everything.
Every year, starting in October, all the cooking shows start to feature pumpkin carving. These people, totally effortlessly, whip out some of the most amazing sculptures. They make it look so easy, I am always fooled into thinking, "yeah, I can totally do that.". Every year, I find the most spectacular pumpkins to which I will carve away and make it look so amazing, everyone will ooo and aaahhh at my creations. The kids will gather around the table and just like in those Norman Rockwell rice crispy treat commercials, we will all giggle and laugh as we clean out the pumpkins and carve away...At least that's how it goes down in my head.
Now, let's go through the actual reality. We buy pumpkins as soon as our church gets them in. I mean, I can't have someone else get the best ones. So, that day, after church, I'm shoving aside old ladies and leaping over wheel chairs to get out there and stake my claim. Then, bring them home to sit for a month. I get the boys this afternoon, while Nick is setting up the "haunted cave thing" outside. We notice that one of the pumpkins already has a rotting spot on it. Great. I have to hide it from Henry so he doesn't puke. I start cutting the tops off, while Hud is helping me by shoving a plastic knife in each spot I just did it with a real one. Every time he pulls it out, I get whacked in the head w/ a wet plastic knife. I finally get the "lids" off and both boys have to look inside and do the obligatory, "GROSS!" scream. So, I dig in. I hate this part. It's like digging through last week's trash to find your car keys. I'm up to my elbows in guts and stringy things and seeds. The whole time Henry is hopping like a madman on one side of me and Hud is yelling at me to "huwwy up". He's such a crappy boss.
To buy some time, I give them that stupid jack o lantern template book that comes with those pathetic little tools. They each pick out a pattern. Of course, Hud picks the most difficult one in the book. I tried to talk him out of it, but he ended up in the fetal position on the floor crying. I thought about dropping the pile of guts on his head to shut him up, but realized that would just be a bigger mess. As I'm doing the last bit of cleaning, Henry peeks inside his pumpkin and sees the rotten spot. Great. Now he's dry heaving and gagging. I'm trying to keep him from puking while Hud is still pissed screaming on the floor.
This is when I also realize I have about 5 lbs of that stringy inside crap stuck in my hair. Not to mention that the cuts on one of my fingers is now stinging from whatever acid is inside a pumpkin.
I get Henry focused on not puking, get Hud off the floor and we start to work on the design. Hud's being the hardest, we do his first. It's a jack o lantern face with "Boo" written across it's mouth. Would be fine on a big pumpkin. However, Hud's is barely even big enough to carve. Once again, this is the passive aggressive crap he does to me. Pretty sure he's out to get me. I start carving out those little tiny letters. After 10 minutes, my arm is tired, my elbow is pounding. I felt like a child laborer in a Chinese clothing factory. Hud is still bossing me around and Henry is still hopping. I can feel my eye start to twitch. Stress kicking in.
I'm all hunched over with this damn tiny little tool (which are just crap. They bend, they don't fit in your hand properly, they slip) carving letters, and now my shoulder is cramping. OMG! Henry! Stop freaking hopping! Finally, I finish. By now, Hud has gone out in the garage because I failed his time challenge. I get him in to look at my masterpiece. Seriously, it looks way better than I expected. I proudly show him "his" pumpkin. I say, "What do you think?" He looks at me and says, "Not good.". WHAT? NOT GOOD? I'LL SHOW YOU NOT GOOD YOU LITTLE SHIT! I don't know if I've ever been more insulted.
So, to all you marketing people that make these commercials where little things like making rice krispy treats are a family bonding memory making affair....stop it. Just stop it. All you are really doing is setting up the average American family for failure. As for Hudson, I think I may cut a hole out of the bottom of his pumpkin and make him wear it on his head tomorrow night.
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